Subject: optimal artificial languages ( humour )

there has been a bit ( wee ) of discussion on this on sci . lang and , well , i could not resist the temptation . here is my contribution to the topic : > from jbm @ newsserver . trl . oz . au ( jacques guy ) date 27 jan 1995 15 : 29 : 06 + 1100 newsgroups sci . lang subject re : optimal artificial languages language being for communication ( not necessarily of truths , mark my words ) , an optimal artificial language should be designed so that its messages survive unscathed through the worst static . ergo , we want * maximal phonetic differentiation * ( tm ) of the vowels , we pick those maximally distant : a , i , u . of the consonants , ditto : a dental , a labial , a velar . having picked the most differentiated points of articulation we must also pick the most deifferentiated manners thereof . fricative , nasal , stop should do nicely . and let us use voicing to help along . that leaves us with * three maximally distant consonants * , which are : m , z , k . so far , so good . but we can do better still . let each consonant be associated with one , and only one , vowel , so that , if either consonant or vowel manages to get mangled in the transmission , you can restitute one from the other . naturally , we would match vowels and consonants to ensure least articulatory effort , lest speakers , tired by too much tongue and lip shifting , start slurring their words . there are n't two ways about it : i goes with z , u with m , a with k . so there we have it , the perfect language for noise-free communication . it 's cv , no consonant clusters , no diphthongs , and each syllable starts with exactly one consonant and has only one vowel . if the consonant is z the vowel is i , and so on ( how lazy can one get ! the list of possibilities is short indeed , yet i wrote " and so on " ) . ergo , it has only three possible syllables : zi , ka , mu , thereby being some 130 times easier than chinese ( with its 400 + possible syllables ) . and consider this sample vocabulary ( i leave the meanings to your imagination ) : zizi kaka mumu zizimu kakamu infants will learn it easily ! consider all its advantages : your children will speak fluently before they are two ! one of the first , because shortest , words they will learn will be . . . . . muzika ! thus ensuring the earliest possible development of their musical aptitude ! promote zikamu ( tm ) , the international language of to-morrow ! nb it has come to our attention that a renegade splinter group of the original zikamu ( tm ) movement is peddling a pale imitation of zikamu ( tm ) under the plagiarized name " kazimu " . do not be deceived ! the study and practice of their inferior product may cause brain damage ! insist on learning the one and only zikamu ( tm ) . join the official , approved zikamu foundation ( tm ) to day ! ( il y en a des qui vont encore se demander si c ' est du lard ou du cochon . c ' est du lard , bonnes gens , c ' est du lard ! )
